To Give Up or To Push On

I’ve hit a crossroads in this journey. Do I bow out and gracefully walk away from publicly sharing our loss? Or do I push forward and continue on my quest to bring awareness to the 1 in 4? My private side wants to go the easy way out, just be done. Continue to grieve in private, among our closest friends and family.

The less I talk about my miscarriage the easier it is. I feel vulnerable, exposed now that everyone knows my weakness and pain. If I stop now I can protect us. I don’t have to deal with the comments ‘oh wow, you talk about losing your child a lot.’ To which I have yet to respond with what I truly feel:

I’ll stop talking about my child in heaven when you stop talking about your child on earth. 

Or do I continue to share our story, do I continue to put our life out there? Show the ‘world’ our wounds and scars with a possibility someone will want to pick at our wound.

Miscarriage awareness is a battle. It’s not easy because if you have never been through you it, you simply just don’t understand. And maybe that’s why I am so frustrated right now, I don’t want people to have to understand. I don’t want my life to have a ‘thing’ that I need them to understand. I feel like that is asking a lot. I despise that miscarriage has taken my life hostage with no plans on releasing me. I am it’s prisoner, it’s victim. I hate feeling weak and not in control, it’s exhausting and it’s constant. I hate putting all of “that” *moves hands in circular fast motion* out there.

I’ve done my part, I have honored my son and I have spread the word. I should pack up and head home. I am tired. I want to mourn quietly and alone.

But. BUT.

Of course you knew that was coming. If you know me, you know that I am stubborn, I am passionate and I don’t back down from a good fight. Just ask my husband. Since the first blog post about our son, I have had 6,739 people read my posts. That is 6,739 more people that are aware of miscarriage. And just maybe they learned something. Maybe they learned how to talk to their sister or a friend. Maybe a fellow solider in this battle felt comfort in knowing they aren’t alone.

I have had 9 women and 3 men reach out to me in private and explain to me that my posts have helped them with their journey. These 12 people kept their loss private because of one common reason: they didn’t know how to talk about it and didn’t know how people would react. That means 12 people that I personally know on some level through out my life time, have cried themselves to sleep and have felt the overwhelming loneliness that comes with this loss. And that makes me sad. That shouldn’t be.

So, as much as I want to crawl in a hole and move on from talking about this. I have decided to get back in the game and do my best to help those by talking about our loss. So if you are tired of my yabbering about my son, unfollow me now. Shit is about to get even more real. (Sorry Grama, but shit really drives home my point right now.)

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3 thoughts on “To Give Up or To Push On

  1. Kristi says:

    I think you’re incredibly brave to share your story and the raw, real feelings that come with a loss. I’m so proud of you and moved by the people you’ve helped through your writing. It’s hard to be vulnerable, but those moments when you feel the weakest are really your strength building back up, little by little. You have to feel to heal. You are strong, beautiful and courageous, and you keep doing your thing! ❤

  2. The EcoFeminist says:

    Do whatever is right for you, ultimately you are your family are all that matter. But thank you for what you have shared. I am sitting here on the sofa going through a pill-induced miscarriage after our 4th round of IVF took us to just over 6 weeks then stopped developing. Along with my husband, the blog community is what keeps me going. Most on the outside are politely sympathetic with very, very little action. This is where I have been all day, reading stories to keep me going. Thank you, again.

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