A Happy New Year!

They say that your first year of marriage is the most difficult. But I’ll be the first to promote marriage. It’s by far the most exciting adventure of self awareness and love I have ever been on.

The first year of marriage is fun and exciting. Everything has it’s ‘first’. The first time someone calls you “Mrs.” The first wedding to attend that is not your own. The first fight. The first make up, after the first fight. Wink, wink.

Coming home from a long day to your best friend that you genuinely love to hang out with, is the coolest thing ever. Life is good.

We are both really good at loving each other, we are both firm believers in saying it and showing it as much as possible. We PDA like pros but I can assure you we are just as doting on each other when we are alone. The mushy-gushy works for us and we talk about it a lot.

I think what has helped us is that we were both a little older (30 and 31) when we got married. We both have had our hearts broken and we both have broken hearts.

We both know what heart ache feels like and we both know how painfully powerful it is to hurt someone you once cared about.

It’s vital to learn what your heart is capable and not capable of and communicating that with your partner. And we’ve accomplished that thus far.

However, I didn’t know I still had that knee jerk reaction to run from my problems until we were hit by lemons. Life handed us not just a few lemons but a damn lemon tree. Actually a lemon farm. A land of lemon trees with extra lemons.

But we got married. I happily made a commitment, signed the paper, professed our undying love in front our friends and family. No matter what lemons we were given, I wanted a partnership and in our first year of marriage we got a crash course.

The start of our marriage, we had been mourning the unexpected death of my papa for only 3 months. Having our wedding without him was so tough. Not having him part of our daily life, it’s still unbearable.

Then Chris moved to Colorado to begin his new career within 3 days of coming home from our honeymoon. I was left in Texas to get my job in order to work from Colorado. We went 8 weeks without seeing each other and for any newlywed, that’s tough.

Packing up all of our things and driving our two dogs 19 hours was…not fun. Ecstatic to finally be reunited with my brand new husband, I was on cloud 9.

Until I got a call the next day from my company. The rug had been pulled from under me when they informed me that they changed their mind about me working from Colorado. To make things worse, they made it impossible for me to collect unemployment. When you love your career and everyone you work with, losing your job feels like a really bad breakup. Oh and then there’s the part where you’re suddenly broke.

My relationship with my twin hit some rough spots. And that affected me more than I wanted to admit.

My relationship with my birth mother dissolved.

My husbands grandfather died. And that was heartbreaking to watch my husband and his sweet family hurt.

Then things started looking up when we found out on Christmas Eve that I was pregnant with our first child. But 18 weeks later, I delivered our only child, a boy, stillborn. I don’t think I need to go in to detail that this was by far the hardest thing that has ever happened to us.

Our first year of marriage has been the most beautiful mess. But if I can take some good away from this: I learned when all the times I wanted to run away, I finally had someone to run too. My husband has been my pillar of strength and gosh darn it if he won’t budge.

I always get a weird look when I tell people my favorite holiday is New Years Eve. I worked at a bar every New Years Eve for the last few years. It was like my own rom-com was unfolding before me. As soon as that ball dropped, strangers became friends, friends became lovers and old lovers reignited that spark. Smiles, kisses, hugs, laughter, joy and some tears. As I soberly watched these drunken fools, you felt what they felt. It was a chance at a new start, a chance to try it again!

And after this year, our anniversary is now my favorite holiday, my new year. And today July 3rd, we will hug, kiss, smile, laugh and cry as we celebrate our survival and begin our new year. So here’s to a Happy New Year my love.

We will go through more heartache in our marriage, no doubt. That is life. But Christopher Michael, I would marry you 100 times over and over again. And I would go through this pain with you all over again if that is what will be handed to us.

I love you.

 

 

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